Musings of a Malcontent: Newtered Energy

Musings of a Malcontent: Environmental Irony in an Imperfect (but humorous?) World“Musings of a Malcontent” is a weekly op-ed by GlobalWarmingisReal contributor Carlyle Coash

I just finished reading Newt Gingrich’s article on his $2.50 a gallon gas plan.

Brilliant stuff, eh?

I am not sure what is worse – its message or that it had grammatical errors. One would think they have a proofreader on staff – or at least somebody who can read. Boy was I wrong. Politics these days seem to have little to do with intelligence and much to do with saying whatever you feel like saying regardless of its ridiculousness. So it would seem from Newt’s energy acumen that sprawls across a couple of pages.

Basic message – start drilling the daylights out of those pesky protected areas and we will have oil for the next 250 years – for $2.50 a gallon!

Yes they even made it easy for us by only using one number – 250. Thank you Newt. Them facts and figurs are darn complex they are! Lucky me, I only need to know one number now so soon I will be saving away cus gas don’t cost so much now. Go Newt! I love yu and want to have your children…Newt…oh Newt…

Sorry it’s all the fumes from the local fracking site.

Shale Oil development in ColoradoOh yeah – forgot to mention that a large portion of all this amazing untapped energy is in the form of Shale Oil. An energy source that at its best will likely create more toxic waste and damage, not to mention an overall ass-kicking of the environment. Perfect companion to the fabulous Sand Oil we will begin pumping down from Canada. I just love what the oil companies are coming up with these days. Rock. Sand. With crazy damaging refining processes to boot!!! I bet if we squeezed hard enough we could even get some oil out of Newt.

He’s certainly being paid enough.

What I find interesting is there are no real definitive numbers. Lots of “could produce” and “might yield” statements, but no assurance that all of this will actually work. That’s awesome. I love the chance to bludgeon the environment with some pretty sure numbers of possible outcomes. Heck – no one goes up to the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge anyway, so if it doesn’t work it won’t matter – same old wasteland regardless. The animals up there might be dead from toxins or whatever, but they should know better than to live in such a place. Silly animals.

Sorry – again with the fumes.

I have another question: what happens after those 250 years? Hmm? I’m getting the sense it’s the “let them deal with it” approach to taking care of the earth. We were going to do something, but it just seemed too much of a pain. So, um future humans, hope you don’t mind but we just decided to bail on the whole thing. Since I’ll be dead seemed the best thing really. Let’s put off new technologies for a couple hundred more years, right? What’s the harm? Plus Newt was Speaker of the House – so he knows his stuff when it comes to the environment and fixing things. He is relying on the best industry funded groups for his information – so that’s why we will be leaving you a fabulous world filled with noxious gas and waste. It seemed right.

Let’s hope that reincarnation isn’t real – otherwise we literally are screwing ourselves.

My favorite part of the article is at the end in which the Newtster sets up his action plan for the glorious future of energy independence and what would seem the abolishment of the social contract. If you made it that far in his article I applaud you. For those of you who would rather poke their eyes out with a stick than read it, basically his action items are as follows:

Pursuant to this plan, we should take eight steps immediately to address these skyrocketing gas prices and jumpstart production of American energy:

  1. Approve the Keystone XL pipeline.   (Yeah Oil Sand!!!)
  2. Replace the EPA with a new economically rational Environmental Solutions Agency.  ?? (who needs protection when you have solutions.)
  3. Condense regulations to make it easier to build new refineries. We haven’t built a major new refinery in the U.S. since 1977, in part because federal restrictions and regulatory uncertainty make it so difficult.  (Poopy restrictions)
  4. Overhaul the Department of Interior processes to expedite approval of leases.
  5. Move to 100% expensing for all new equipment so companies could write it off in one year, making it easier for companies to build new extraction sites.  (gotta write something off – might as well be expensive equipment)
  6. Eliminate the capital gains tax to promote investment.   ? (Huh?) ?
  7. Adopt a 12.5% corporate tax rate to make America the best country in the world to do business.   (Another huh?) ?
  8. Abolish the death tax. (No energy there after all)

I’m sorry – wasn’t this an energy plan? Write off’s and tax cuts seem a bit out of place. Sorry, don’t buy the whole “investment” element. Sounds more like another hand up to those who already have a lot of money. Corporations – especially oil – getting plenty of breaks as usual. How about they earn less and we get a cut at the pump?

I know – too socialist. I did vote for Obama, so I only have myself to blame.

Once again I feel that our political leaders are so detached from the actual, real concerns of the earth. They are wealthy, arrogant and mindless. As long as their friends make money they are happy. Train wreck in the making.

Luckily for me I like to fly.

Image credits: The Alopecian Muse, Colorado Independent

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