The Best Crude in the World…..SAND! (Tar Sands, that is)

Musings of a Malcontent: Environmental Irony in an Imperfect (but humorous?) World“Musings of a Malcontent” is a weekly op-ed by GlobalWarmingisReal contributor Carlyle Coash

Apparently I have been living in a hole in the earth. I thought I was aware and paying attention, but apparently I am actually living in a subterranean borough somewhere on a vast Nebraskan wheat field. I would not be surprised if Prairie Dogs are more in tune with world events than I.

So here it is.

Did you know there is a plan afoot to build an oil pipeline from Canada to Texas? From what I can tell it will run from Alberta through Montana, South Dakota, Illinois, Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, Nebraska and Texas.

I guess I am going to have to relocate my hole.

Actually if I read it right, there will actually be two pipelines, running parallel at points since some of the pipeline already exists. The new segment is called the Keystone XL Pipeline. A few of the highlights:

  1. They plan to bury it at least 4 feet underground.
  2. It will run right over the Ogallala Aquifer, one of the largest fresh water reserves in the world.
  3. It will run through a large wetlands ecosystem, as well as some other untouched wildlife areas.
  4. It will primarily be transporting Bitumen – which is heavy crude oil mixed with a lot of sand.

Yes, you read correctly. Oil sand. Nothing like a 2,000-plus mile pipeline of oily sand running right through the country to make you feel taken completely advantage of.


One of the reasons stated as to why we are doing such a thing is that we can now finally end our dependence on oil from the Middle East. Thank God. I sure am tired of us trying to wrangle control of all these oil producing areas out of the hands of those who live there. They are so overprotective. It is very rude, I think.

I mean, we need it more. I think we have made that abundantly clear over the last several years. Heck, even solar companies who are getting billions in government funding are going bankrupt – if that does not tell you something then what does? Plus, how do they expect me to keep up with my daily crude oil hair soak. (I am not kidding – it is a bargain at Amazon.). Since the Middle East is being difficult, it is time for us to move on. It is time for us to kneel down in front of a kinder, gentler Lord who will hold us in their strong oil slick arms and rock us to sleep.

Who better to do this for us than Canada?

In the end I imagine it’s much better to be Canada’s bitch. They at least won’t be chopping off anyone’s head on TV or lighting effigies of our president on fire. They won’t likely have a concern of being invaded all the time, unstable and unpredictable in their supply to us. They will not require us to go in and bribe or execute their leadership whenever they get too dogmatic or totalitarian. Canada will be a different kind of master.

Canada is a neighbor. A neighbor with the same language – except for that wacky French-speaking region – and many customs similar to our own. They like hockey. They are very patriotic. They have given us many of our best entertainers and performers. They are even smart and have good healthcare. Yes I know – evil socialist healthcare – but healthcare nonetheless.

Plus they have stronger beer – which I think we will need plenty of to keep us in a subdued state of mind. A drunken stupor is exactly what they will need from us. After all they are making us believe oil enriched sand is the answer to our energy woes.

I mean really, oil sand?

Has it gotten that desperate…um I mean… ridiculous? No, desperate works. Apparently the energy it takes to refine this crap into anything useful is almost equal to the energy it produces. Do we really think a 1-to-1 exchange like that is going to cut it? Aren’t we looking for a  – get the most out of our resources as possible – kind of scenario?

Luckily this project has garnered a fair amount of protest over the last months, so at least a few people have crawled out of their holes. Let’s hope it has some effect. With the recent pipeline disasters this year I have little faith that the Keystone XL won’t break in half and dumps millions of gallons of crude into that lovely Aquifer we have in the middle of the country. Forget your Brita filter working on that.

Well my crude oil hair wash just caught fire. I hate when that happens. Too bad I don’t have any sand to put it out.

Hey Canada – could you help me out?

Image source: The Alopecian Muse

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