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Musings of a Malcontent: Hello God, It’s me Earth

“Musings of a Malcontent” is a weekly op-ed by GlobalWarmingisReal contributor Carlyle CoashMusings of a Malcontent: Environmental Irony in an Imperfect (but humorous?) World

Lately it seems everyone is speaking for God. You know – the all-powerful, all-seeing, omniscient great being in the sky that made everything in about 6 days awhile back?

That God.

The one who consistently gives us mixed messages about whether a compassionate God even exists given all the suffering in the world. The one that has more interpretations about who and what they are then can really be fathomed. The one that speaks only in signs and indirect messages mostly. Booming voice from the sky, burning bushes, hoards of locusts. Hurricanes.

Well at least that is what Michele Bachmann was talking – or should I say joking – about this last week. According to her the earthquake and hurricane appearing on the East Coast this last month is a sign from God that we have to get our economy together.

Yeah – that was my first thought too.

Destructive flooding, buildings shaking and bridges collapsing are a clear sign from God to…balance the budget. Why have we been so blind? Thank God Michele Bachmann is around to be the universal translator for the omniscient one. That particular skill should really come in handy in the Oval Office.

This is the point where I really hope you know I’m kidding.

Ever since the Republicans signed the petition to deny global warming (so it would seem anyway) their ability to read God’s signs has really gone down hill. I guess since they have decided not to pay attention to the true roots of why the weather is completely crazy – they are easily misled. They have lost their way. Hurricanes are actually about financial awareness. Tornadoes are about unemployment and the melting ice cap is really about why Brittany did not kiss Lady Gaga at the MTV awards.

Come on people – read the signs!

I realize you have all seen the quote below – unless you have been orbiting Mars the last month. I just figured it was good journalistic process to repeat it. As that most holy channel of the great infinite mind of God said on Sunday the 28th:

“I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’ Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we’ve got to rein in the spending.”

So which is it – disaster metaphors or dieting metaphors? Very confusing. This is what I mean about God being a bit unclear in the message department. Also is she exchanging God with the American people? Are they the same? And aren’t diets supposed to be slimming? I have not heard of anyone going on a morbid obesity diet – although I wonder if Jenny Craig will run with the idea. Is this whole message from God or just the first part? How often does she get these messages? Does God comment on her Twitter page when he wants to send a message?

I ask too many questions. This is my problem. I am seeking professional help.

Let me help try to clarify what God is really saying to us (he posts on my Facebook page). I am going to get all scientific on you and propose a little something called Occam’s Razor. Fans of the movie Contact know this one well. Basically, when faced with competing explanations that are equal in other respects, selecting the one that makes the fewest new assumptions is the best path. So are the hurricanes and the tornadoes:

  • A message from God specifically telling the US to relate to our financial crisis.
  • The planet responding to the steady and profound changes we are contributing to the environment.

Gee – is there a third choice?

Yes – stop speaking for the unknowable truth.

I am sure we would all like God, or the universe – or whatever – to send out a monthly newsletter letting us know why the world is the way it is. Maybe God’s computer keeps freezing or the layout just doesn’t look right. Maybe the ink cartridge keeps running out. Regardless, the end result is we are the ones responsible. If the best help we can get from a higher power is a hurricane – which costs billions in damage and disruption – then we are truly in trouble. That is not a higher power who understands how to help us with our financial situation.

I for one do not need some wacky prankster God up there messing with us.

Life is hard enough.

We need to stop taking advantage of everything. We need to take our muddy boots off at the door before walking through the house (this would be a metaphorical house). We need kindness. We need to know our impact – not just on the planet but in everything we do. We need to stop beating each other up after sporting events – and shooting, stabbing, hacking, raping, strangling and every other violent act.

We do that and it won’t matter what the weather turns out to be.

Image source: The Alopecian Muse

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