Musings of a Malcontent: Shell Oil is AWESOME!

Musings of a Malcontent: Environmental Irony in an Imperfect (but humorous?) World“Musings of a Malcontent” is a weekly op-ed by GlobalWarmingisReal contributor Carlyle Coash

Dudes and dudettes! I know a few weeks ago I said that Exxon rocks, but seriously –

Shell Oil is totally awesome!

They are like…totally the best when it comes to nearly averting huge oil spills. Man, they rock so much they make Exxon’s rocking look like a Yanni concert. Totally dude! Right?

I have lived in California too long. To all, my deepest regrets.

The Valley just takes me over sometimes.

As you may know, one of Shell’s massive drilling sites in the North Atlantic leaked about 2,000 gallons of oil into the sea last week. Woops. I hate when that happens. You’re minding your own business drilling into the seabed and you totally forget to check to make sure no pipes are leaking.

I could barely get into my bathroom the last time I let that happen.

A recent article in the Daily Telegraph stated that Shell was upset by the leak as it has been trying to position itself as the most reliable and trustworthy oil company after BP’s spill earlier this year.

“Solid and dependable” were the exact words.

Huh? Can a comparison even be made? Is there even a position to be jockeyed for as most dependable oil company of the year? We’re the best! We only spilled 2,000 barrels! Only 10 seabirds and a handful of sea life have met their end due to our actions – not like those miscreants over at BP. And don’t get me started on Conoco! I won’t even let them baby-sit anymore.

It’s like the Emperor saying he is more reliable than Darth Vader because at least he shows his face. Or Stalin saying he was more dependable than Hitler because he managed not to get himself shot in a ditch outside his bunker. Or that Charlie Sheen is trustworthier than Paris Hilton.

(There was actually a poll done there. Yes – we will deserve everything coming to us)

Do these companies really think they can outshine each other? Hmm – given all the recent oil slicks appearing in the Gulf, perhaps I should pick a different word. No – that works really. They might succeed in their efforts given the absolute lack of coverage of this particular event. By the way, Lindsey Lohan was seen wearing the same dress as Pippa Middleton did at the Royal Wedding.

Who are they fooling? Us, I am afraid. Us – big time.

I should have more compassion. Shell has been having such a tough year so far. The death of a maintenance worker, a series of dangerous gas leaks, equipment collapsing off a platform into the sea. Oh yeah – and a 15,000 hour backlog on repairs.

15,000 hours?

I’m sure there is nothing to worry about there.

Is there anyone paying attention to that? Any oversight? Any fines each day the repairs remain undone? I have SWAT teams descending on my home when I am two days late with my Student Loan payment, but by all means let’s give them their 15,000 hours. It won’t cost us anything.

Oversight is so overrated. They’re fine on their own.


Apparently the Shell Brent Field is the largest in the North Sea, with four platforms. In July the Charlie platform was closed by the Health and Safety Executive (HSE) because of an “uncontrolled release of flammable substances” – not the first time such a thing has happened.

I bet the folks at Burning Man would know exactly how to handle that situation.

The HSE described ignition of gas at the platform as “almost inevitable” – with the potential for a catastrophe. Yep, they have a lot to be proud of. In their quest to become the most outstanding of oil companies they have triumphed. They truly have come out front in the battle of most awesomest, awake, earth healing, puppy conscious, gracious, resplendent and massive oil company in the world.

Dare I say the Universe? Yes, I dare it!

By the way, did I mention they have permission to drill in the Arctic?

It just keeps getting better.

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